I feel many things right now. To name a few, grateful, proud, scared, helpless, loved and also very fortunate. I was caught up in living the good life, spending endless amount of time with my family. The world turned upside down over a month ago and like most, it definitely wasn’t something I was prepared for. I literally had to look up what the word pandemic meant.. that’s embarrassing but true.
1 year ago, I left my job in advertising to be a stay at home Mom. I started to learn photography, envious of my husband’s passion for doing something that he loved – wrestling. I am beyond grateful that I was ever even able to be a SAHM in this expensive world that we live in. Getting home at 6:30 wasn’t cutting it for me anymore, I wanted to be home with my daughter and see my husband when he was home.
On Wednesday April 15th, Brian was released from his WWE contract. There was notice that morning that layoffs would begin and our anxiety kicked into full gear. Not just for ourselves, but friends and loved ones that this could potentially happen to. Brian just needed to know if it was happening to him or not and I was praying the phone didn’t ring. Well, the phone rang and I broke down. You can’t really break down for long when your almost 3 year old is running around chasing bubbles, but I cried. There is so much uncertainty in the world, it’s terrifying. One week prior, they had wanted him to fly to Orlando to film for RAW and the next week they are getting rid of people. I went from being scared of my husband coming home from work with the Coronavirus to days later him getting fired.
One thing I can say, I’m so proud of how he held it together. The first time this happen it was almost a matter of when, this time it was just out of nowhere given the current state of the world. Since he can’t wrestle anywhere right now, he did exactly what he needed to do to help himself cleanse of the past 4 years which was basically get rid of everything he was holding onto. He also guided other wrestlers that have never been through this before of what they needed to do to set themselves up for success. Basically anything would make me cry the past few days, from him making me proud to me being sad, to even watching him still be in full Dad mode on a day that could have been a very dark one. He handles everything with grace which just reassures me that we will be OK. I feel so lucky to be his wife.
Why do I feel helpless? For starters, I am 30 weeks pregnant. It’s not the most satisfying feeling when your husband loses his job and you don’t have one for you both to fall back on. I always said the past year, if I needed to get back into work I could and would get back into my field(thinking like 4-5 years if his contract didn’t renew), not expecting him to lose his job when I’m 2 months away from having our child let alone during a pandemic. Though I don’t regret my time at home, I do feel guilt and anxiety about the decision I made last year with a new baby on the way but this is something I just have to deal with right now.
Writing this part could make me cry again. But I feel very loved throughout this whole situation. We have received so many well wishes from fans that were so sad to see this happen to our family, but also so many encouraging messages of how much people love Brian and our family and how talented he is and that they know he will land on his feet. I’ve felt the same love from so many of my family members as well as close friends. Most importantly, my fellow wrestler wives who are going through this as well. It makes it easier to have people who can relate to you on a personal level for a minute during a shitty time. It feels like we’re all in the same boat together, all rooting for one another and it almost feels like therapy talking to each other.
I don’t want to sound ungrateful that my family is in good health, because that is what I have prayed and wished for most every day in general, but especially the last month. We’re very fortunate that the virus has not affected our health and my thoughts and prayers are with anyone that has been affected by this virus directly. At this point, anyone I speak to knows someone who has had the virus which is terrifying. I pray for this to end soon and for us to all get back on our feet. May none of us take for granted again something as simple as grabbing a coffee with a friend or dropping our children off at school. May we all be able to gather at a restaurant again or more importantly a family dinner – and more often.
I hope everyone is staying safe at home.